this is a little deep

-er than most of my posts. if you hadn't noticed a few of my posts recently have been kind of depressing.

i figured id get it off my chest and move on...or try to.

when i was a sophomore in high school i met this boy "my sunshine" i called him.

we didnt actually become official until after high school.

we were so in love. 6 months into our relationship.

he got down on one knee with a pearly ring in big bear

i said yes, cried called my friends and familia.

i bought a dress..and it sat in my parents closet for years.

2 years later we moved in with each other.

i was in heaven.

not knowing he was not.

i was not the betty crocker lady he thought wifey should be.

ya i liked cooking, but he needed to do some stuff too. equalize people.

along with some other things.

well he wasn't used to that, arguments started.

3 months after living with each other, he left.

i was heart broken, although i covered it with anger.

i was so angry. i had never been that pissed off in my entire life.

i never thought id say such hurtful things to anyone in my life, but i did.

a month later he got a new girlfriend, to realize that she wasn't me, and he wanted me back.

of course he came crawling saying he'd do anything to make me happy to make our lives work together.

im such a push over. but it was the words i had wanted to hear so bad. even though i was so hurt.

things started ok. we talked alot. something our relationship lacked at times.

i thought things were different. i eventually let most of my guards down.

we did have our moments when the conversations weren't as easy as he thought,

i think he thought i would forget that he left me, after he said he never would. i didn't.

im not good with the whole forgive and forget thing..

so last week, i found a face book under another name he used

(in high school he found out he had another name long story)

and the only friends he had was his ex gf whom he still talked to and even hid from me at one time.

i was ticked. i confronted him.

apparently random people make fb's for people for no reason? cause he denied even knowing about it.

1 night of not hearing from him all..and the next he invited me to meet him for Chinese food.

at my favorite Chinese food place, mind you.

he was done. he gave up, like he said he never would.

so here i am, hurt, again.

i still had it somewhere in me despite everything to fight for him. with everything i had.

im hurt, defeated, exhausted, upset that i let him in again

and scared to get out in the world alone.

for the past 7 years i had him to lean on.

i am focusing my efforts now of ways to better myself,

to be a better friend, sibling, and daughter.

I know God wont give you anything you cant handle.

everything happens for reason.

i love all of my girls and family for being there for me during these times.

i dont know how i would get through all this without them.

also to my fellow bloggers,

reading your blogs everyday reminds me, that there are people out there

who have gone through difficult things and can get through them.

thank you all so much!